I think if I lived a million years I still just wouldn't get it. What wouldn't I get? Life. People. I think sometimes I am so wrapped up in the whys that I forget to just live and enjoy myself. And then somedays, I just drive home from work, stunned and staring blankly, unable to feel and sometimes unable to do anything but feel. Today was one of those days. Today I took responsibilty for other's actions.
Today I was strong.
Today I was weak.
Today I killed for convenience and out of love.
Such contradictions. Yet, each statement true. Someone brought in five kittens. Barely three days old, they didn't even have their eyes open. Some comfort in that, more later. This person's dog had killed the mother cat two days ago. And now this person decided to dump the responsibility onto our clinic. One of the receptionists took this responsibilty and brought the kittens to our hospital's treatment area. We are by no means a shelter. We have taken on some of these cases in the past, but only when someone volunteered. Kittens need to be bottle fed a milk replacement every two hours in order to survive. No sleep for the volunteer. One nurse already had taken two kittens that had been dumped onto the Emergency Hospital. The receptionist that had accepted the responsibility for these kittens refused to take them and layed a guilt trip on our Kennel girl. She was crying at the end of the night, not knowing how she was going to be able to care for them properly. Meanwhile this receptionist just went home, her hands washed of the situation. Convenient. What should have happened is that she should have asked if anyone could take them and when told no, tell the people, "I'm sorry, there is no one here able to take care of them. We have bottles and milk replacement you can purchase. They need to be fed every two hours. Here are some numbers of rescue organizations (Which we called btw, all full. Influx of puppies and kitties) or you can take them to the shelter, where they will probably be put to sleep." The responsibility for these five lives should never have been put on our shoulders. So it's 6:30 pm and we are looking at these pitiful kittens and the kennel girl is still crying. Statistically, these babies are going to be prone to illnesses because they did not have enough days on their mother's milk to adopt her immunities. And, had the mother contracted diseases Feline Leukemia, Feline ImmunoVirus (FIV, much like HIV) or FIP, the kittens would also have these diseases. Being so young, there was no way we could test them to be sure. With so many, the possiblity of finding quality homes for all five was out of the question. It was me, and two other nurses. We sent the kennel girl home and called the receptionist to let her know that the other girl could not care for them and we were looking at drastic measures. She agreed and continued to wash her hands of the responsibility. I called a doctor on her cell phone and received authorization for what we agreed was the best scenario. We all could see the miserable lives these little ones had in store. I would have taken all of them, without hesitance. But, you see, I have nine cats and my husband told me he wanted a divorce the last time I brought the tenth home. One person can just do so much. Three black ones and two black and white ones. So small and innocent. We wrapped them in a warm towel and placed them in our anesthesia tank where they were sedated into a deep sleep. So peaceful they looked. The three of us looked into each other's eyes. We were in this together, doing what was best. We watched them fall into that deep sleep, one by one. I unlocked the drug cabinet and watched one nurse draw out the blue euthanasia solution into five separate syringes. One little kitty, one of the black and white ones was still rooting around in the towel, not fully asleep. It made me think it was a last plea for life and I just bit back the tears. Trying to find a vein on these little ones would be impossible. We removed one from the tank, said goodbye to it. And we watched as this needle slid into its heart, injecting it with what is essentially an overdose of barbituates. When injected in the veins, this method is very peaceful. But through cardiac, it is painful and that is why we sedated them with anesthesia. It mewed once then was still. We knew something was malformed in this one, because it immediately began to bleed from its nose. I lost it. The other nurse calmed me down and pointed out that was not normal and something was probably wrong with the kitten. I guess justifying our actions further. We used the pediatric stethescope to determine the heart had stopped on it and covered it up with a soft towel. A deep breath, glance at each other and mental strength sent all around. We did this over and over again four more times. At the end I told the others that there were five more kitty angels watching over us now. Somehow I hope they understand why we did this for them. They entered the world together and they left together as well. Innocent souls. My only comfort is knowing they couldn't see our faces. I wonder if that lady will sleep well tonight. I wonder if that receptionist will too. I won't. Because I know, regardless of the reasons, I killed five souls.
Today I was strong.
Today I was weak.
Today I killed for convenience and out of love.
Such contradictions. Yet, each statement true. Someone brought in five kittens. Barely three days old, they didn't even have their eyes open. Some comfort in that, more later. This person's dog had killed the mother cat two days ago. And now this person decided to dump the responsibility onto our clinic. One of the receptionists took this responsibilty and brought the kittens to our hospital's treatment area. We are by no means a shelter. We have taken on some of these cases in the past, but only when someone volunteered. Kittens need to be bottle fed a milk replacement every two hours in order to survive. No sleep for the volunteer. One nurse already had taken two kittens that had been dumped onto the Emergency Hospital. The receptionist that had accepted the responsibility for these kittens refused to take them and layed a guilt trip on our Kennel girl. She was crying at the end of the night, not knowing how she was going to be able to care for them properly. Meanwhile this receptionist just went home, her hands washed of the situation. Convenient. What should have happened is that she should have asked if anyone could take them and when told no, tell the people, "I'm sorry, there is no one here able to take care of them. We have bottles and milk replacement you can purchase. They need to be fed every two hours. Here are some numbers of rescue organizations (Which we called btw, all full. Influx of puppies and kitties) or you can take them to the shelter, where they will probably be put to sleep." The responsibility for these five lives should never have been put on our shoulders. So it's 6:30 pm and we are looking at these pitiful kittens and the kennel girl is still crying. Statistically, these babies are going to be prone to illnesses because they did not have enough days on their mother's milk to adopt her immunities. And, had the mother contracted diseases Feline Leukemia, Feline ImmunoVirus (FIV, much like HIV) or FIP, the kittens would also have these diseases. Being so young, there was no way we could test them to be sure. With so many, the possiblity of finding quality homes for all five was out of the question. It was me, and two other nurses. We sent the kennel girl home and called the receptionist to let her know that the other girl could not care for them and we were looking at drastic measures. She agreed and continued to wash her hands of the responsibility. I called a doctor on her cell phone and received authorization for what we agreed was the best scenario. We all could see the miserable lives these little ones had in store. I would have taken all of them, without hesitance. But, you see, I have nine cats and my husband told me he wanted a divorce the last time I brought the tenth home. One person can just do so much. Three black ones and two black and white ones. So small and innocent. We wrapped them in a warm towel and placed them in our anesthesia tank where they were sedated into a deep sleep. So peaceful they looked. The three of us looked into each other's eyes. We were in this together, doing what was best. We watched them fall into that deep sleep, one by one. I unlocked the drug cabinet and watched one nurse draw out the blue euthanasia solution into five separate syringes. One little kitty, one of the black and white ones was still rooting around in the towel, not fully asleep. It made me think it was a last plea for life and I just bit back the tears. Trying to find a vein on these little ones would be impossible. We removed one from the tank, said goodbye to it. And we watched as this needle slid into its heart, injecting it with what is essentially an overdose of barbituates. When injected in the veins, this method is very peaceful. But through cardiac, it is painful and that is why we sedated them with anesthesia. It mewed once then was still. We knew something was malformed in this one, because it immediately began to bleed from its nose. I lost it. The other nurse calmed me down and pointed out that was not normal and something was probably wrong with the kitten. I guess justifying our actions further. We used the pediatric stethescope to determine the heart had stopped on it and covered it up with a soft towel. A deep breath, glance at each other and mental strength sent all around. We did this over and over again four more times. At the end I told the others that there were five more kitty angels watching over us now. Somehow I hope they understand why we did this for them. They entered the world together and they left together as well. Innocent souls. My only comfort is knowing they couldn't see our faces. I wonder if that lady will sleep well tonight. I wonder if that receptionist will too. I won't. Because I know, regardless of the reasons, I killed five souls.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home