Scotch and Water, is there any more blissful way to end a week? The days are slipping by like sands through an hourglass. It is November and I wonder what I have done with this year. How have I changed? What have I done with my time? I keep playing at this game of being a grown up. Some days I succeed. Most others, I fail miserably. The past continues to haunt me as well as my poor decisions. I ponder about hindsight and magical time machines that let you change the past. What would I change? What would remain the same? My eyes are the windows to my soul. I wonder if anyone sees what is reflected there. I think if you could freeze time, I would be that shoot on a bulb, trapped beneath the soil, searching for sunlight, waiting to break through the thick layers of soil, waiting to bloom. Why does this shroud of fear hold me back. I struggle to tear it off, thread by thread. When I feel lost and untethered, I think of getting in my car and just driving. I have no idea where I would go, which direction I would take. I think this is fight or flight instinct that everyone faces. I fail at the flight and the fight instinct is a joke with me. I am better at the flopping over, like a dog, in submission. Each day, I search for something that gives me happiness. I want it so much to be a particular person that just makes everything fall into place. Oddly, I bite the bitter lemon of reality and I know that does person exists. Only, that person is me. I think we all want to be special. We just lack the courage to admit that we are special. Hmm I think the Scotch is talking for me tonight. At least that is what I will blame it on. And yes, I am a coward. I paid the ticket. I just can't see myself worth defending my actions. Besides, this is my stupidity tax for the year. Luckily, I lasted ten months before cashing that in. Night is for waning....Tomorrow is another day to wax.....