Chair Railing, Garden Room and Green Curry
I moved back to the house on Friday. The day was very subdued. I cried the whole way home, especially after a squirrel attempted suicide in front of my car and sent my computer monitors hurtling towards the front seat. I have no idea what Chris expected. Some joyous reunion. It just isn't so. I'm sleeping in another room entirely. It's my comfort safe zone. Friday night we went to Townlake to watch the firework show. In another time and place, it would have been very romantic. Blanket on the grass, lemonade, fried meat battered on a stick, meat on a bun and fried batter smothered in powdered sugar. I had all the above, sans the meat products. My mind was elsewhere, I must admit. It didn't help that I had to watch two joyous lovers flirting and touching in that familiar way a few yards away from us. I just kept thinking that I will never have that. It makes me melancholy and I feel very empty inside. Chris seems to be trying. I just don't know how to make myself feel receptive to this.
Saturday was mostly uneventful. Cleaning, etc. I've decided not to play ClanLord for two weeks. But, Chris continues to play Everquest each night. So, I go read in my room. And then I'm accused of "hiding". Whatever.
Sunday. Pre PMS. Don't know. I was extremely irritable. Chris just seemed to want to pick at me all day long. We decided to tackle the Garden Room. While at Home Labyrinth, I wanted to look at the possibility of chair railing. On the way home, he insisted on pointing out all the ways that my suggestion wouldn't work. When I stopped talking, he kept picking. This was early in the day, so I was able to say, just give me a few moments, leave me alone. Later that day...... Cleaning the green room. Chris is no where to be seen. I'm looking at an almost impossible task and he is not helping. I tell him that I need him to help and he says I'm being hostile. Damn fucking right I'm hostile. Get your ass in here and help. Breathe. Ok, room gets clean. Hours later, I'm exhausted. I need a little break before starting again. I'm thinking about the lovely Green Curry leftovers from Thursday night. Mmmmm I bet the curry has permeated the rice wonderfully. My mouth waters. So, down to the kitchen. No box. Did you eat my leftovers? Denial. "I threw some old stuff out." Sonofabitch. Once again, he doesn't consider anyone else but himself. At this point, I know I'm angry and need to calm down. He just keeps picking. I'm feeling more and more violent and wanting to scream and yell, so I pick up my keys and leave. An hour later and more couch pillows, I return. He's mad because he thinks that everytime I leave or go up to my room, I'm packing up to leave. *sigh* Ok, compromise time. I tell him that I will tell him next time I need to leave. And, he should ask me before throwing things out that aren't his or marked as expired. He refuses. No ownership of doing something that upsets me or any remorse. I'm willing to compromise, he's not. "You just have to change". I'm so tired of this shit. How long is too long? When is enough?
I moved back to the house on Friday. The day was very subdued. I cried the whole way home, especially after a squirrel attempted suicide in front of my car and sent my computer monitors hurtling towards the front seat. I have no idea what Chris expected. Some joyous reunion. It just isn't so. I'm sleeping in another room entirely. It's my comfort safe zone. Friday night we went to Townlake to watch the firework show. In another time and place, it would have been very romantic. Blanket on the grass, lemonade, fried meat battered on a stick, meat on a bun and fried batter smothered in powdered sugar. I had all the above, sans the meat products. My mind was elsewhere, I must admit. It didn't help that I had to watch two joyous lovers flirting and touching in that familiar way a few yards away from us. I just kept thinking that I will never have that. It makes me melancholy and I feel very empty inside. Chris seems to be trying. I just don't know how to make myself feel receptive to this.
Saturday was mostly uneventful. Cleaning, etc. I've decided not to play ClanLord for two weeks. But, Chris continues to play Everquest each night. So, I go read in my room. And then I'm accused of "hiding". Whatever.
Sunday. Pre PMS. Don't know. I was extremely irritable. Chris just seemed to want to pick at me all day long. We decided to tackle the Garden Room. While at Home Labyrinth, I wanted to look at the possibility of chair railing. On the way home, he insisted on pointing out all the ways that my suggestion wouldn't work. When I stopped talking, he kept picking. This was early in the day, so I was able to say, just give me a few moments, leave me alone. Later that day...... Cleaning the green room. Chris is no where to be seen. I'm looking at an almost impossible task and he is not helping. I tell him that I need him to help and he says I'm being hostile. Damn fucking right I'm hostile. Get your ass in here and help. Breathe. Ok, room gets clean. Hours later, I'm exhausted. I need a little break before starting again. I'm thinking about the lovely Green Curry leftovers from Thursday night. Mmmmm I bet the curry has permeated the rice wonderfully. My mouth waters. So, down to the kitchen. No box. Did you eat my leftovers? Denial. "I threw some old stuff out." Sonofabitch. Once again, he doesn't consider anyone else but himself. At this point, I know I'm angry and need to calm down. He just keeps picking. I'm feeling more and more violent and wanting to scream and yell, so I pick up my keys and leave. An hour later and more couch pillows, I return. He's mad because he thinks that everytime I leave or go up to my room, I'm packing up to leave. *sigh* Ok, compromise time. I tell him that I will tell him next time I need to leave. And, he should ask me before throwing things out that aren't his or marked as expired. He refuses. No ownership of doing something that upsets me or any remorse. I'm willing to compromise, he's not. "You just have to change". I'm so tired of this shit. How long is too long? When is enough?
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