Monday June 31
Today was a really really awful day. My manager at work decided that she thought I should start seeking legal counsel to look at my rights for separation and/or divorce. That just set me off. I came "home" for lunch and looked up Texas law for divorce. Chris and my Zo mediator have given me a two week grace period to "find my way home". Anxiety, dread and fear have overwhelmed me. So, I either find my way back to Chris or I find my own place. Both equal and viable options. The hard part is choosing. The harder part was discovering why it was so hard to choose in the first place. I don't think I'm as strong as everyone thinks I am. A simple phrase. Both telling and ellusive. I see a long line of doorways still closed inside of me. To attempt to open them terrifies me. What will I find behind the door and worse yet, will I ever be able to close it for good? I think I've resolved myself to just not be well for so long that attempting to change things feels impossible. Piles and piles of garbage, emotional baggage that I've quite become accustomed to stepping around have built up so high I can't seem to move around them anymore. So the Zo sez I'm not allowed to say I don't know or I can't, anymore. Twelve years is a long time to just walk away without trying. I owe myself the knowledge that I tried. I have my wonderful friends to give me perspective, kick me in the ass, listen to me cry and not get repulsed as snot runs down my face. So, I'm moving back home on Friday. It's going to be a long weekend. Invest in the Puff's company. I'll be using quite a bit of Puff's plus with Aloe.